a diary entry from the hospital

 

And so here I am again, within the pale green walls of a hospital room. A different one this time, but they're always pale green anyway. The colour of a really sick person's vomit. I don't know how I wound up here again, anyway. Well, that's another lie. I do know.

I woke up one day and found my brain was trying to kill itself. How funny. Maybe not that funny upon second thought. Either way, what I've been trying to say all along is.. how strange, I've forgotten. That's okay. It happens a lot these days.

I get my years and months and weeks confused, and my days all fuse together into one really long, exhaustive day. Ah yes. I remember now. You're gone and I'm stuck here, with myself. I must have said this a hundred times, or just once. I cannot seem to remember. 

Nothing scares me as much, you know. As much as knowing that I'm alone with my thoughts and my feelings and.. with me. How does anyone go about their day without this fear paralyzing them, tying them down, immobilizing them, I do not know. 

My mother tells me that most people just find things to keep themselves occupied by, distracted with, throughout their lives, so they never have to endure the sheer panic that stems from the knowledge that you're really all alone in your experiences. You're solitary in the universe. There's only really you. 

I have never found a way to distract myself from this. It breathes loud into my face some nights like a ghoul hanging upside down from the ceiling, the long tendrils of its untidy hair brushing against my cheek. I cant move, I cant speak, I cant breathe. How do I breathe? Have I ever breathed? Why cant I remember how to breathe?

You get my point.

Anyway, these hospital walls, they're okay, they're actually pretty cool. They make me feel like Im resting for a bit here, catching my breath before going on my way. I forget I have nowhere to go. I can pretend for a while.

And then I stare into the face of icy-breathed monster in the mirror once more, re-energized.