Good and bad

 I was all snuggled up and watching Orange is the New Black, episode 11 of season 5. 

For those unfamiliar with the show, it depicts life of inmates in a women's prison, and there is a queer, neurodivergent character named Suzanne who's on regular medication. Suzanne tends to get aggressive and overwhelmed when things happen unexpectedly, and needs to be calmed down often. 

I can't say I haven't been in that place myself, more than just a few times.

There is this particular scene where, in the middle of a prison riot, Suzanne's friend dies in the midst of all the confusion and violence. Later, she's taken off medication by a fellow inmate who believes that medication is unnecessary and that acceptance is the key. Of course, acceptance is the key, but medication is a necessity sometimes. The rest of the episodes show her spiralling into delusion and hallucination.

Her friend convinces her to take the medication, and manages to calm Suzanne down as she tries to "climb into heaven" through the ceiling to reach her friend. 

Suzanne slowly takes her hands off her head, still breathing heavily, looks at the meds, and tearfully asks her friend, "Will these make me good?".

I wanted to cry, at that moment. I regularly ask myself, will my medicines make me a good person? Am I a bad one without them? Will they make my scary thoughts and scarier compulsions go away? Who am I without them? 

My mother assures me that I will get better, be better, if I take my medicines on time. Suzanne's friend looks at her painfully, and then assures her the same. 

For the first time since Rue from Euphoria, I felt like I saw parts of myself on tv. And that was scary. But also a huge relief. I didn't feel alone anymore. 

So I looked over at the pills I skipped today morning and I thought, "Will these make me good, mom?". 

All I long to hear is "You're already good enough, but these will make it easier for you to deal with the world." 

All I hear is "Yeah. They'll make you good." 

I swallow the pills, and with them, my fears.

Am I good now, mom?