a rather stupid justification

Some days, I cannot stand to be around the people that I love. I cannot bear to be touched, to speak, or to feel. I feel angry, and alone, and angrily alone. Everything feels like a sore bruise that keeps getting poked. My right hand pulsates from daybreak until the new dawn breaks.

Some days, I cannot stand to be around the people that I love, but I cannot stand to be alone. I wish somebody would hug me, but I’d hate that. I’d push them away, furious. I wish they’d hug me anyway, because all I want is a second hug. It never comes. That’s okay.

Some days, I am reminded of a day when I felt like all the blood inside me would flood into my mouth and out of it, if I opened my mouth to cry, draining me like an empty vessel. I am reminded of a day when I cried and cried and cried until I was an empty vessel. I never want to feel that way again.

So I let my right hand pulsate alone and I close my mouth until the next dawn breaks and I am no longer unbearably something.
Some days, I feel like I am the bruise.

I’d rather never get my much-prayed-for second hug, than get one and then lose my second-hugger. I do not want such a gamble.

So, some days, I’ll lie and say I have work to do.